This is a difficult question which can’t be answered likely with a quid pro quo. Therefore I can only relay my own experience of having an alcoholic mother.

The sad part of course is that with this type of relationship the roles sometimes reverse – where their children are the care taker. This leads to resentment, worry and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

In my own relationship with my mother I had to “let go”. Much like a parent who has a child who is reached adulthood and is going to do what they are going to do, because the roles as aforementioned are reversed, I too will have to approach my mother with this same sentiment.

She is going to do what she is going to do.

No amount of frothy-emotional-appeals, nagging, pleading, begging, guilt-tripping, silent-treatment, tough-love, crying or calmly asking was helpful.

The truth is most alcoholics can’t answer “why do you do this?”. Such is the nature of the disease of alcoholism. It’s an affliction that is powerful and baffling and the alcoholic has no greater idea than you why they end up in such messes or can’t see the pain and suffering caused to themselves and every one around them.

So that being said the first thing is to not take it personally. The alcoholic doesn’t drink because of me, or in spite of me or at me. That’s important because if I don’t get that basic premise I fall into the trap of not being “enough”. (I would think that she’d stop for me – doesn’t she love me – can’t she see how this is hurting me?)

I am enough and this affliction has nothing to do with me. I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it.

Without that basic understanding I will spin my wheels trying to figure out the magic phrase, action or deed that will make her “see” and stop.

In the end without that understanding I’m likelier to be driven to become more crazy than the alcoholic and I’m not speaking in hyperbole.

The greatest teacher to an alcoholic or to any of us really is consequences. They are painful. And in the non addict we say “ouch. I’m not doing that again” but well-meaning sons and daughters of alcoholics often clean up the “mess” of the alcoholic’s life. It’s important to let the alcoholic deal with these things. They are our greatest teachers – consequences.

This is a tall order! No one likes to see people suffer, particularly not a loved one. But alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease. It will ultimately destroy the alcoholic AND the family and everyone around. So, as hard as this is, I have to be firm in my separating myself from the alcoholic and their drama. This isn’t tough love. I’ll gladly listen to the alcoholic. Remind them how much I love them. (Unfortunately when I won’t lend them money or whatever their demanding solution du jour is we are sometimes accused of not loving them. Ouch. And ironic)

Lastly. Make use of assistance through a mental health professional or groups like the Al-Anon family groups. I know that may also seem like a tall order. If you’re like me you will say as I did “Why do “I” need to go to a 12-step program when “SHE is the one with the problem!?!” But when I finally did go at the insistence of a counselor I’ll be forever grateful for – I was able to see and learn how my actions were sometimes contributing to the dynamic of our dysfunctional family.