I’m so glad… I took the time prior to the surgery to just spend some time with myself and nature. I was with friends, and so I wasn’t alone. But, what it provided was an opportunity for me to have a moment to reflect on the way I’ve been living with my eating and diet, and how that’s going to change.

I was outside of Nashville, Illinois and it was such a peaceful and serene setting. There was a beautiful lake and I let Priscilla and the Empress talk me into canoing into the middle of the lake. Normally not such a scary thing but I was doing my best to avoid anything that might result in a bruise or bump. I didn’t want anything to come between me and the surgery.

They were very clever though and convinced me to sit in the middle of the canoe and they would paddle at either end.

What I didn’t realize was that my butt would be on the cold metal bottom,

I’d be sitting cross-legged between two metal cross-bars. This resulted in a claustrophobic and penned-in position. My fear was that the canoe would roll and I’d be pinned. It only got worse when the confined position made my legs, feet and ass completely fall asleep! This made me go into a panic and a rocking of the canoe which left us all giggling and me begging to return to shore. It was fun however.

I did pass up horseback riding knowing that with my luck I’d be thrown. So while the others went riding it gave me the perfect opportunity to sit and watch the peaceful lake and beautiful woods.

I can’t really say how things will change. I’ve become so accustomed to eating such large portions I can’t fathom a person can eat such a small amount and not suffer from hunger. But, I’m trusting this process and the doctors and know that if they say it’s so, then it probably is.

Mostly, I enjoyed looking upon this occasion as my “last fat weekend”. So many times I’ve gone on retreats or camping and have felt left out because I didn’t feel comfortable doing the things that my friends were doing. Once, I actually wanted to go horseback riding but was told there was a 250 lb weight limit. It was embarrassing to have to sit on the sidelines while others enjoyed a period on the trails.

Unfortunately, there was nothing on the menu I could eat at this retreat. Quite literally everything was carbs with a side of carbs. LOL. Isn’t that poetic? My last weekend and unable to eat.

Priscilla to the rescue who arranged for some meat and cheese so that I wouldn’t starve. At one point we joked that if I didn’t eat something by the end of the weekend, I wouldn’t need the surgery.

All in all it was a wonderful time to reflect and laugh with friends. I got to spend the weekend with Empress and Dixie – two of my most favorite people in the world – along with Priscilla who was so sweet and treated me like royalty. I sure do love life – and the wonderful people who make up the bulk of it. It was nice to be home though. Monday was my pre-op appointment. My weight: 272lbs.

I look forward to seeing you all soon.

OK. So, it’s probably like an alcoholic who’s going into rehab the next day. I’m all about one last hurrah.

It’s weird though if you think about it. The notion that a person is used to eating a certain amount of food. Maybe not at every sitting, but you know how even you probably get at say, Thanksgiving. It usually involves eating alot. If not to the point where you’re uncomfortable, at least more than you usually do.

So, that’s me.

Eating more than you usually do.
Eating more than I usually do more often than I usually should
Resulting in more poundage than a person should usually carry
Ending in health effects not usually found in a person my age.
Following so far?

But I genuinely love to eat.

Not just because it’s gluttonous, which it can be, but because I like the whole ritual. I like selecting the location and the preparation and anticipation of getting into the car with friends. I like the changed atmosphere of eating at different places. I like the contemplation of the different choices and weighing what the restaurant’s specialty is against my likes and dislikes. Many of my friends know I can never make up my mind in the end, and usually ask the server do you like choice A better, or choice B? Always following the advice of someone who probably has had each dish a hundred times.

I like to take notice of the table setting and how nice things are laid out. I like to be greeted by friendly folks, who seem happy to see me, even if the goal is to solicit the largest tip they can garner from me.

I also like the chat and banter with folks I love while waiting to see the various selections come out of the kitchen and land in front of each of my friends and family. I adore the oohs and ahhs as we see what each other ordered. Maybe I should have ordered that? “Can I have a taste?” Or maybe “I’ll just order that next time.”

And then there’s the meal of course. If it’s good, preferably large portions. Because I like the taste. And I don’t want it to be over quickly. I like the different textures. Rob and my family have gotten used to my odd manner of eating by mixing up all my food on the plate. The end result may look a little scrambled everything – but that’s how I like it.

I like to see how the flavors mix together and yet, how they are separate. I like the different flavors mixing together and yet remaining independent enough for me to discern what I’ve taken a spoonful of. And, I like the texture of meat, and a vegetable and I really like it when there’s a crunch-thing somewhere thrown in there.

Yes. I love to eat.

Of course, this is a curse as much as a blessing. It’s a blessing because through lots and lots of error in my adolescent attempts at cooking (just ask my brothers and sister about the debacles of cinnamon spaghetti or ketchup and chili pepper shepherd pie), I’ve learned over time how to cook. What goes good together – what textures do NOT work together, what colors look most appropriate on a plate and how to create a dish out of what you just have on hand. I can do these things. All because I love food.

The curse is self-evident. There’s no need to go into long detail here. There’s by-products that some know about of course. Sleep apnea, elevated blood pressure, constant fatigue, inability to sit in certain seats, choosing tables over booths at restaurants, walking a much shorter distance than the beautiful scenery deserves, running out of breath after just a few steps of stairs. etc. It really does go on ad infinitum but it culminates in an overall appearance and feeling that leaves me feeling left-out. Not part of society. Not like everyone else.

I’ve had airline stewards stand by as I seat myself on a plane with a warning that if my seat-belt doesn’t fit around me I may need to make other arrangements, such as purchasing an additional seat (if one seat belt doesn’t fit how will two seats side-by-side belts work?), I’ve missed every swimming season since 1996 because I refuse to be seen in a swim-suit which has resulted in a pale freckly skin that hasn’t seen the sun in a decade. And most recently kids pointing and calling me names which brought about all manner of horrible high-school flashback.

No. The time has come to be willing to trade the love of food and eat – rituals and all to become a member of society again. Some people can balance their love of food with a healthy life and waistline. I – it would appear – after years of failed trying – that I am not one of them.

So, while I’ll be able to eat anything I want (well almost anything – no popcorn, carbonated beverages, flour products like tortillas – what? tortillas!?!!) I won’t be eating in the quantities that I’ve become accustomed to. I’m kinda sad about it. But NOT depressed!

I’m too looking forward to the change in my life to be dragged down by what I’ll be missing. I hope you join me in that sentiment.

So on to the pictures. One of my favorite restaurants in Austin is Magnolia Cafe. I’m going to miss breakfast tacos. But, I’d also like to go swimming and ride my bike again.

We had a beautiful weekend. Sure it rained, but the sky was amazing and the rain drops were huge! Also the wind really kicked up and sleeping with the windows open I watched the trees whip around all night and rustle me to sleep.

There’s a funny restaurant here called “Fran’s”. In itself it’s not a funny hamburger restaurant but there’s a very similar restaurant called “Dan’s”. So similar, it’s identical. Identical because they are! Fran and Dan got a divorce and had to split their business. So, half the restaurant’s are Dan’s, and half are Fran’s – otherwise, exactly the same.

Lastly, we went to my favorite restaurant in Texas, so far, on Mother’s day. It’s the Silver K in Johnson City. They have the most amazingly delicious food. Here’s some fantastic chicken they serve there, pecan crusted fried chicken. Yum.

I hope this finds you well. The count down to May 20th has begun. That’s the date of my surgery. Today the scale read 271 which is down from 281 when I started eating an all protein diet in preparation for surgery. It can only get better.

Well my friends. Today was the day. I’m coming out. Not in the way that you might think. Or, you might be thinking – I thought you already did that?

I’m coming out as an ashamed and embarrassed person.

It’s not been something I’ve been comfortable with. I, like many of the people in America, am obese.

I haven’t really wanted to talk about it. It’s a sore subject. I’ve talked about everything there is to talk about. “Really? That diet worked for you? Well thanks – yes, I’ll try that”. “Yes, I’m sure portion control is important. Thanks”. and “Thanks, I know maybe if I exercised more…”.

Most of my well meaning friends and family have offered solicited and unsolicited advice, recommendations and condolences over the years. I take these without any malice because I know they are never delivered with any. I feel wonderful to be loved and supported by so many folks who feel compelled to tell me that they have concern for me, and my health, and my long term ability to be around for the long haul if I don’t do something about my weight.

So, I’ve been working for about 5 years now to try and get Lap Band surgery. As might imagine it’s pretty expensive. I think about $25,000 for the procedure and anaesthesiologist. I’ve been trying to convince my HMO and now PPO that this is a medical necessity for me. It’s been a struggle. If I could harness as much energy as I’ve had to expend with the insurance companies to a tread mill – I might not have had the elevated blood pressure and everything else that is now starting to creep in with the weight I’ve now had for an extended period.

I don’t want this entry to become to wordy. I just wanted to let you know that today

the insurance company finally conceded that this problem has been going on since 1990 and 18 years later, after a pattern of weight that has taken me from 170lbs (from a low of 135) to now 285 lbs., it’s time to do something radical.

So, I’m having the lap band surgery May 20, 2008. I look forward to eating a new way, looking a new way, and hopefully a reversal of my overall health trend.

I’m glad that you’ll be there with me! It means so much! And, like everything else I’ve accomplished in my life – it’s always easier when I walk through it with you. I’ll keep you up to date. So check back in the coming weeks as I mark my progress! I’m so happy right now. I just found out a moment ago, and came here to tell you first! Take care, be well – and I’ll chart my progress so you’ll know how I’m doing!