Alright. It’s like something biblical. These locusts have arrived in the form of crickets.

Now, as far as critters go – at least they are not like – flying cockroaches. That would just be just plain gross!

So, aside from the crickety chirp chirp it’s kinda eeby-jeeby that you see them everywhere. In the livingroom (Uno the cat likes those) on your shoulder, on the ceiling at Denny’s. The worst ones are the ones under the car tires. They are so crowded under lights in the parking lots it sounds like, chirp chirp, crunch crunch, chirp, crunch. They are Everywhere.

One was on the floorboard of the car (another reason to not leave the top down – even when there’s no immenent threat of rain). Now – while I’m not freaky-squeamish about these things (like “I” would be of a spider, for example) I have no desire to pick them up and rub noses with them (like “I” would with a kitten, for example).

So as it crawled across the floor of the car, I told my friend Ethan (aka Iva Passion) to grab it and throw it out.

Now, Iva is apparently freaky-squeamish about such things (like “I” would be of a snake, for example). So, after doing a dance, nearly across the hood of my truck, and waiving her hands like she were trying to dry a fresh coat of nail polish, she refused. Flatly.

Of course, the only thing to do was brush-scrape it out of the car. But the little bugger was insistent on riding along with us and so he scrambled up under the dash before I could sweep him away.

Well. Except for the constant fear that he might come out at the most inopportune time – like when I’m making a lane change in front of a semi truck – and crawl up my leg resulting in a scream they’d hear all the way back in California from Texas – I thought problem taken care of.

Then the next day, as I was driving and it was hot (like it is QUITE often here), I turned on the air conditioning (like we do ALOT here). Apparently Jimmeny (Yes. I named him), didn’t quite much care for the temperature adjustment and let go full song. It would appear that Jimmeny has quite the set of legs on him (I think this noise comes from rubbing them together, versus actual ‘singing’ but I do refer to it as ‘song’).

And, for the next week, whether I was listening to disco, rock, or NPR it had to be cranked with the bass up. With each increment of volume, Jimmeny cranked up his leg dance/song. It would appear he was in competition with me (and I was losing).

Now. Short of water-torture, or finger-nail-removal-via-plyers, I now have experienced hell. Whether day or night (I thought they only sang at night? Or at least I hope the Texas Crickets don’t tell the California Crickets that you can sing at noon just as easily (and loudly) as you can at midnight) Jimmeny gave us music. And, loud.

One thing is the birds are going to get so fat that they won’t be able to take off in flight. I watched one eat at least ten of these crickety appetizers as I was sitting next to the lawn. I think the one bird I observed ate Jimmeny’s parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and all his siblings. Wow. Birds can eat – but I digress.

Alas. Jimmeny’s story has a sad ending. The other day, when I decided I could no longer tolerate the heat – cricket be damned – I was turning on the AC. And.. silence (well – at least only the sound of Donna Summer at high decible – if that could be called silence).

What happened to Jimmeny?

As I stepped out of the car, upon my seat, was the flattest (and deadest) cricket you have EVER seen. Wow. Poor Jimmeny.

I have now discovered the anti-cricket solution. My ass. Apparently I should patent it as an extermination alternative. I could get rich! But, for now – I’m just happy to have my serene car environment back.

If there’s going to any annoying music in the car – it’ll be because I’m singing Barbara Streisand at full hilt – not some annoying and loud insect. I think thats why I’m at the top of the food and singing chain.

Sorry Jimmeny.