“Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently.”- Henry Ford. But how, If you don’t even find a solution on how to start again?

This is a dog-chasing-the-tail kind of question isn’t it? Inability to find a solution on how to start again “Is” a failure. Hence, the opportunity to begin again.

Sometimes we run out of ideas, or at a loss of how to approach a problem. We feel like we gave it our best, so anything that comes after will be a second-string thought or idea – and how could that work?

The true failure in a situation like this is the idiom of contempt prior to investigation. Once I’ve decided there is no solution, or I can’t come up with a solution or worse of all “What’s the point anyway?” We are moving from failure to defeat.

Defeat is finite. The finale. The conclusion that we aren’t capable, or somehow inept. What Henry Ford was really trying to impress upon others is that he had accepted his failures whole-heartedly. Imagine coming up with the the concept of assembly line construction when the world had never seen such an approach! Productivity blossomed to levels his competitors were astounded at the rate he was able to produce products. They were forced to re-think their own approaches. If they couldn’t come up with a better idea, I imagine many simply mimicked Henry’s already great idea.

Each of us is capable of that. Henry was not advocating for original thought, only thought that worked more intelligently than the last one. So. If you are unable to come up with an original solution, borrow one. Consult with others you feel are capable and have regard for their approach or ideas. Do not ever be afraid to utter the phrase “I don’t know”. There’s no shame in it. In fact, why would you even have an open mind to a new approach or consider on how to improve a process if one is grounded in “I know”. So phrases like “I know” or “always” or “never” are words I have decidedly made an effort to remove from my vocabulary. They have no place in maintaining new thought, idea, dreaming, brainstorming, trying something new. Above all this self-limiting line of thought leads to “I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing” That prevents us from improving or discovery.

From my family in Austin Texas here, to yours there, good luck.

What is the Best Way to Deal with an Alcoholic Parent?

This is a difficult question which can’t be answered likely with a quid pro quo. Therefore I can only relay my own experience of having an alcoholic mother.

The sad part of course is that with this type of relationship the roles sometimes reverse – where their children are the care taker. This leads to resentment, worry and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

In my own relationship with my mother I had to “let go”. Much like a parent who has a child who is reached adulthood and is going to do what they are going to do, because the roles as aforementioned are reversed, I too will have to approach my mother with this same sentiment.

She is going to do what she is going to do.

No amount of frothy-emotional-appeals, nagging, pleading, begging, guilt-tripping, silent-treatment, tough-love, crying or calmly asking was helpful.

The truth is most alcoholics can’t answer “why do you do this?”. Such is the nature of the disease of alcoholism. It’s an affliction that is powerful and baffling and the alcoholic has no greater idea than you why they end up in such messes or can’t see the pain and suffering caused to themselves and every one around them.

So that being said the first thing is to not take it personally. The alcoholic doesn’t drink because of me, or in spite of me or at me. That’s important because if I don’t get that basic premise I fall into the trap of not being “enough”. (I would think that she’d stop for me – doesn’t she love me – can’t she see how this is hurting me?)

I am enough and this affliction has nothing to do with me. I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it.

Without that basic understanding I will spin my wheels trying to figure out the magic phrase, action or deed that will make her “see” and stop.

In the end without that understanding I’m likelier to be driven to become more crazy than the alcoholic and I’m not speaking in hyperbole.

The greatest teacher to an alcoholic or to any of us really is consequences. They are painful. And in the non addict we say “ouch. I’m not doing that again” but well-meaning sons and daughters of alcoholics often clean up the “mess” of the alcoholic’s life. It’s important to let the alcoholic deal with these things. They are our greatest teachers – consequences.

This is a tall order! No one likes to see people suffer, particularly not a loved one. But alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease. It will ultimately destroy the alcoholic AND the family and everyone around. So, as hard as this is, I have to be firm in my separating myself from the alcoholic and their drama. This isn’t tough love. I’ll gladly listen to the alcoholic. Remind them how much I love them. (Unfortunately when I won’t lend them money or whatever their demanding solution du jour is we are sometimes accused of not loving them. Ouch. And ironic)

Lastly. Make use of assistance through a mental health professional or groups like the Al-Anon family groups. I know that may also seem like a tall order. If you’re like me you will say as I did “Why do “I” need to go to a 12-step program when “SHE is the one with the problem!?!” But when I finally did go at the insistence of a counselor I’ll be forever grateful for – I was able to see and learn how my actions were sometimes contributing to the dynamic of our dysfunctional family.

I’m really bad at socializing. What should I do?

This is not uncommon, so my hope is that you find some comfort in that you’re not alone. Many people across a spectrum have difficulty in this area. Much of it has to do with their standing as an extrovert versus an introvert. (A Myers Briggs test helped me to discover my standing). Thus, if you are an Introvert, this merely means you get your energy and happiness from situations which typically involve solitude. For this reason social interaction is not the norm and may require concerted practice, where for others it seems to come naturally. Don’t be discouraged. Extroverts have a leg up in this area, because they don’t have to think about ‘how’ to socialize, they just go do it. And, for the onlooking introvert it can leave them feeling socially inept and increase feelings of anxiety and ultimately isolation. So, fear not! Even the extreme introvert with practice can become less awkward at this skill, and it is indeed a skill.

There are books, like The Awakened Introvert or How to Talk to Anyone may be of some help. There are all manner of opportunities to practice with websites like Meet Up where you can join a group, and some areas even have groups for people who don’t join groups! You could even start your own. Finding ways of reaching out to people who have common interests is a great way to find it easier to socialize and start conversations because you already know you have an interest in common. If Science Fiction is your thing, join a group who watches a favorite show or movie. If politics or academia is interesting there are people who are interested in that.

Sometimes difficulty can stem from self-doubt, that I might not be interesting, or people don’t really want to hear what I have to say. This is self-imposed isolation, because of all the folks I’ve encountered who feel this way, no one has literally approached them to say “I don’t think you’re interesting”. It’s just a feeling or thought that they formulated and feelings, quite simply, are not facts.

So don’t be afraid to approach social situations with training wheels. For some, the anxiety can be so great that they can’t even dream of immersing themselves in a social situation. For these folks, baby steps are in order. Set a goal of I’m going to join this group or conversation for 15 minutes, and then I’ll be allowed to excuse myself, but for 15 minutes I’m going to put an effort forth to engage others. After a successful run at this, try 20 minutes, etc.

Like many other things we find awkward, repeated exposure and consistent, persistent trials may help lessen the anxiety of these situations. Above all, don’t be hard on yourself if it takes effort and practice in this area. Many of my friends are astounded at how easily I “appear” to navigate a group or social situation, and how “easy” I make it look, but really, this has come from years of practice and certainly a great deal of failed attempts in learning what doesn’t work. Thus, know you’re not unique in this challenge and I’m certain you can find others around you who would agree about the difficulty this is to undertake. If you do find them, congratulations – you’ve just created a social interaction.

Best wishes from my family here in Austin, Texas to yours there.

The Power of Enough

I’m still working on my book. The title above is not the title of the book, but it’s sort of my working title. I’m reminded that if happiness is found in being satiated where one is in life. This isn’t always easy for folks that feel as though they are living in scaricity. But so many of us are well enough along. Some people in life experience set backs in their physical abilities or mental health challenges. Some of us are born into family circumstances which are less resource rich than others.

I don’t pretend that everyone should simply declare themselves happy without actually feeling so. That being said, for many of us, we do have folks in our lives who care for us and support us. We have people who are cheering for our succcess. We managed to eat something today. We sleep with some manner of roof over our head. In short. Our basic needs are met.

Truthfully, it’s not likely my ‘wants’ will never be met. There will always be something more that my mind will convince me that I need to be ‘happier’. It’s not likely more square footage, or one more vehicle is likely to add to the quality of my life. Wishful thoughts about physical attributes I’ll never have are a waste of both time and energy. It serves me better to be happy for those who do have those attributes rather than having envy about them. In all honesty I’ve known people who could only be described as beautiful. People who were talented. Folks who had all the resources one would think would lead to a life of leisure and happiness. Sadly, some of them are no happier than the average person without those supposed advantages. So, if happiness is truly and inside job, I choose to be so.

Part of this is to accept my life, and lot in life as it is. By all assessments it’s wonderful. I’m talented, intelligent, kind, considerate towards others, have a passion for alturisitic endeavors and lessening the suffering of others. In many of those efforts I’ve succeeded.

There can be no greater calling or better measure of a persons success. I hope you’re successful in what you endeavor to bring about your happiness

In the Home Stretch

It seems President Trump is in a tirade following his Labor Day address, which was really more of a campaign speech. They are very hard to distinguish these days as most everything that comes out of his mouth has completely blurred the lines between what was considered common practice and separation from the job and office of the President and what is campaigning.

Signing up and registering his campaign on inauguration day in 2016, the earliest an American president has done, announced from the very beginning how he would be governing. Essentially, seeking the next office before we could even see what he’s done with this first term.

I think many of my friends would agree. We’ve seen enough. Please restore true democratic principles to this office. We want a President that governs all. Who doesn’t spend four solid years attempting to tear down the other party but rather a President who lifts up all of us and reminds us that we’re a United States of America. That’s my wish. Just for an end to the divisiveness. I know it comes from both sides, but no one has ever told more lies in office than the current holder. It’s time for him to go.

No More Poignant Reminder of Our Shared Humanity.

There are many reminders that we are one human race. They exist everywhere around us. In this week’s events of a President who said nothing could be done. Then – with the wave of a pen – demonstrated he’d been lying all along. He stopped an atrocity that he wrought upon this great nation.

I did use the word atrocity. I had a troll on my other page who challenged the use of my vernacular as it relates to children, some very young, taken away from there parents. In a foreign land. With strangers. Unequipped to cope with the trauma that befell them. I read this short essay from Oscar Casares who is the author of “Brownsville Stories” and is a Professor here at the University of Texas at Austin, instructing in Creative Writing. I encourage you to read the whole essay. It says so much about us in our humanity and why you should find this administration culpable of the most inhumane acts, regardless of your political leaning.

By Oscar Casares

They weren’t my kids. So why on earth would I want to listen to seven minutes of an audio recording of small children crying for their mommies and daddies? Kids from Mexico and Guatemala and Honduras and El Salvador, kids separated from their families at the U.S. border, kids who weren’t from here. But everyone around me kept listening to the recording and asking: Did you hear it? And each time I nodded, not because I’d heard it but because it was sad, all of it, and I didn’t need to listen to a recording to know this. Still, it made me wonder if it would help me understand the sadness in a different way. I told myself I’d listen only once, but once turned into twice, and after the third time, I couldn’t stop listening. I listened until the back of my head rang with the grating clarity of their little voices.

I wanted to believe there was something within all that crying  I could hear, not at first. Whatever it was might have nothing to do with a “zero tolerance” immigration policy or finger pointing, nothing to do with being right or right or wrong, nothing to do with red or blue states, nothing to do with anything but what I was listening to and still couldn’t hear. There was a message in there somewhere, hidden, coded in a way that, with all the noise went unnoticed. I wanted to hear what couldn’t be heard. So I listened.

The first time through, the recording was nothing but a lot of crying; heartbreaking, yes, but I expected this. The second and third time, I paid more attention to the background chatter, the sound of the Border Patrol agent joking in Spanish that the distraught children sounded like an orchestra in need of a conductor, and then later trying to hush a crying child by saying “Don’t cry, don’t cry,” which was about as effective as shouting at someone to stop shouting. Later he asks one little kid where he’s from (El Salvador) and then another weepy one (Guatemala). Then there’s a counselor lady trying to console a little girl, without much luck. It wasn’t until the fourth time that I knew what i was listening for, what it was about their crying I was trying to understand. Maybe it was the novelist in me, but I needed to know what language they were crying in.

There were snippets, maybe in Spanish of one child asking to call her aunt and another pleading for his father, but those were just words, and in this case, the words didn’t hold the truth i was searching for; the words were part of the noise. It was the crying – the heaving of their little chests, the gasping for air between their sobs – that I was listening for. It wasn’t Spanish, it wasn’t some remote dialect, it wasn’t the echo of an indigenous language. It was just crying, plain and simple. the same crying I heard when my two kids were that age, the same crying you may have in  your house later tonight, the same crying that could be happening with a colicky baby in Lincoln, Neb., or a child’s first day of school in Lexington, KY., or kids somewhere entirely removed from here, waking up in the middle of the night in Germany or Kenya. It was crying; we all know what that sounds like.

Anyone who’s ever cared for a small child, sick or hurt or scared, knows that when the child cries, all else pretty much ceases to exist. You hold the crying child, you calm her, you soothe her, you let her know it’s going to be all right, that she isn’t alone, the world isn’t as scary as she first thought. It’s only later that you get back to the now-cold dinner you set aside, to the sleep that was interrupted for the third night in a row, to the bathroom trip that an hour ago felt so urgent. You pick up the baby first. you always pick up the baby first.

There’s a reason we have to reminded every time we fly that in the event of an emergency, we must start by securing the oxygen mask over our own mouth and nose, and only then over the child’s. There’s a reason slamming the brakes automatically makes us reach an arm out for our son or daughter in the passenger seat. We are wired to take care of those more vulnerable. This is what we do as humans.

There’s a reason we took a collective gasp when we saw the photo of the bloodied and ash-covered face of a 5-year-old Syrian boy after an airstrike hit his family’s home in Aleppo, or the image of a 3-year-old Syrian boy whose drowned body had washed up on a Turkish beach, or even further back, the iconic photo of a 9-year-old Vietnamese girl, naked and terrified after her village was scorched with napalm. That was a Republican or Democratic or independent gasp – it was just a a gasp, proof of our shared humanity.

That shared humanity, like it or not, doesn’t end at our southern border, nor any border. It’s the same humanity that understands there is a risk in entering another country illegally – possible consequences, some severe and difficult to bear, though non as unbearable as knowing that your child and family are in certain danger with gang violence at your doorstep, in many cases because a father or mother or child has already been killed. you are faced with respecting the laws of another country or disrespecting your nature as a parent. So you pick up the child and you head north, toward safety, toward the land of the free.

Years from now, if we listen closely to those voices, maybe we’ll be able to remember when the children were crying and know that they weren’t crying in some foreign tongue – that the only thing foreign was how some of us reacted.

There are certain universal truths which supersede man made boundaries, languages and culture. This President, even though he has children of his own, has no concern for all Americans. Time and again he refers to “my people”. He’s talking about a minority sliver of national supremacists who brought him to power and have very little common with human decency.

Next time you hear a child cry, maybe you can tell me what language their crying in – I can’t discern.

Getting through Client/Therapist Attachment Grief following a Misunderstanding or Miscommunication

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These are most regretful. Primarily because our aim was to be helpful. If we feel we weren’t or worse, our attempts resulted in a negative effect rather than a positive one, it leaves me with a feeling of failure.

I don’t like to sit with that feeling and the result can be an intense desire to “fix” this. That feeling is not bad in itself. It merely is a reflection of my intense capacity to have compassion for others.

However, in a book I’m writing and in my research over the last ten years I’m discovering my own limitations on the concept of Enough and in this particular scenario when to let go.

Miscommunications happen as part of life. Misunderstandings are a result. As matters that are part of life’s course my ability to control, alter or all together avoid them is limited.

I struggle sometimes with the limitations of my ability to be helpful

I once had a person seeking my counsel who showed me a photo of his boyfriend and a cat (coming out issues, deciding whether to move in together), I smiled and asked “Oh, whose cat” wanting to know more about his interest in pets and how that might effect the decision to move in with one another. He immediately left in the middle of the conversation. I later learned through a tersely worded email that he misunderstood me to say “who’s that?” Which he took as an affront as we just had been talking about how important his new boyfriend was

Of course I felt terrible and terribly compelled to set it right but his last communication made it clear he didn’t want to see me any longer nor hear from me.

This was a difficult balance. The intense desire to correct the misunderstanding against the persons wishes to be left alone.

In a clinical/mentor relationship I think it’s inportant to remember who is driving. I’m in the passenger seat offering directions because they are welcome and asked for. At some point if the driver asks for me to stop – even if I fear we have just made a wrong turn (not the kind with life or death consequences) I should honor that and walk away, respect their wishes and allow them to seek healing through another path.

In short, being helpful when no one is asking for help or worse when they’ve made it clear for me to stop then there is the danger that I’m moving into the arena of no longer being helpful but rather controlling or trying to manipulate a scenario that I feel where I was not cast in the best light. We all like good lighting – that’s natural – but what’s best for the other person really should be my concern in these relationships.

In short, be kind to yourself and forgiving. Sometimes these situations can be avoided and sometimes they can’t. Sometimes trying to repair them created more harm and I would never want to do that. The response by others which is sometimes disproportionate tends to reveal a lot about them and my hope is that this experience is added ultimately in a positive way which may lead to the question “why is everyone an a-hole?” Creating the realization that there is only one common denominator in this persons relationship. So if that is the end result, please, think ill of me. In the end, I can still be helpful.

Good luck and best wishes to you from Austin Texas. You clearly are troubled by this difficult situation and I wish you peaceful resolution.

How to: Becoming the Person who Maintains Decisions and Attains Goals.

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This requires more discipline than most of us have. Thankfully discipline by its very definition is teachable: Verb: train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.

And, thankfully, you don’t have to worry too much about the ‘punish’ element of this definition as it’s inherent with not having discipline which is to say, you don’t keep to your decisions or keep your goals.

The key to developing discipline overtime is to set small goals and work towards those. See what it’s like overtime to set a goal, attain it and demonstrate to yourself it’s possible. So often with these types of goal settings and decisions, one or two failures or setbacks throws most people into a state of “what’s the use anyway”. I coach folks to not sabotage themselves with the “F”-its.

So that being said, set these small goals before reaching for bigger ones. Once you see that it’s possible, you know if you get deterred, it’s just a set back not a failure, you can pick yourself up and continue forward. Find someone you can be accountable to in order to keep them updated on your progress. Someone who’s not judgemental and can be encouraging! Maybe even someone with a similar goal that you can be accountable to each other.

Lastly once you reach the accomplishment you’re setting out for, remember to have gratitude for the process.

Rarely do I achieve things in my life without the assistance and support of others. That’s important because the moment I start believing I’m completely self-sufficient and self-reliant, I become self centered and the true joy in reaching accomplishments is sharing that experience with others so that they can feel like they can do it too! Most of the satisfaction for reaching the goal comes from the path to the goal.

Example, my husband and I set a goal to reach the financial security to purchase a home by a certain date. We met that date. We bought our first home (that was half a dozen houses ago). And, we still recall with laughter how “poor” we were during that time. The fun we had popping our own popcorn, each taking turns to pick the movie we’d watch at home rather than going to the theatre, and inviting our friends over for a spend-no-money night in. Folks ended up coming over every Friday because they knew we’d be watching a movie and they had no money either, but those nights of laughter and camaraderie turned out to be one of our funnest memories of being younger and working towards a goal.

I hope you develop the quality of integrity and accountability and above all the discipline it’s going to take to achieve anything worth achieving in life. All the best wishes from Austin Texas.

Don’t Wait ‘This’ Long…

I’m sitting in the airport in Austin, Texas. Awaiting a flight.

It’s more than just a flight – I’ve flown many times. Always to destinations like Detroit, Phoenix or Seattle. Those are all nice places. I’m happy every time we start our approach to SFO and I’m very familiar with the terminals there. Rob and I frequent California to visit friends and family.

Also, the benefit of being asked to attend many conferences, I get to see much of the country and am always happy to arrive (and depart), even when the destination doesn’t sound, at least initially, particularly exciting. Omaha, Oklahoma City, St. Louis, etc.

Why this flight is different is because we are flying to a far away destination (Amsterdam). There’s no host on the other end to usher me to a hotel in preparation for a presentation, there’s no conference to attend, or work site expecting Rob to come in and do his thing, there’s no family who we adore and anticipate spending time with – this trip is for – us.

So much of my time is spent in the company of others, and I sincerely enjoy it. As a hyper extrovert, I get energized by exchanging spiritual energy with those I meet. Shared experiences and laughter is the highlight of my life.

But there is a primary relationship that has at many times been overlooked in that hustle and bustle of daily living and trips associated with a destination with a demand – and that’s my husband, Rob.

This trip is way overdue. Together 28 years and we have never taken a trip, just the two of us, that didn’t have a purpose or labor associated with it. This time we will be laughing together, and exploring parts of the world and culture neither of us has visited, and taking time to restore and renew our commitment that is so important to us. To each other.

Thank you all for all your support and understanding. I’m missing several important events during my absence, but truth is there is ‘never’ a ‘good’ time for me to leave my life. But, that’s what this vacation represents for me. A break from my own life. It took over 50 years to do this. Don’t ever wait that long.

I don’t think you’re gay.

This year Facebook rolled out the little flag-icon as an option to comment on others posts, pictures and the like. I was so happy to see this during traditional pride month, June as a way of acknowledging a month of reflection on the LGBTQ civil rights movement.

What on earth could be controversial about that?

Well. Quite a bit it would seem. For those who don’t have guidelines on how it’s used or what it means in the Facebook context it seems it has the possibility to be mean all sorts of things. Let’s run through some.

  1. It does not mean I think you’re cute and want to “F” you.
  2. It doesn’t mean I think what is portrayed in this commentary or photo is particularly garish, fabulous or faggish.
  3. It’s not meant in any way to intentionally inflict distress on you or make your friends laugh at you
  4. I’m not questioning your ‘masculinity’ or whatever that means as masculinity is a continuum of broad types. I myself am masculine. Just in a feminine way.
  5. It does mean I am disrespecting your different views or that you choose not to celebrate or recognize the civil rights movement of the LGBTQ Community.
  6. Lastly, it does not mean I think you’re gay.

These are important points to note. But, what this experience brought up for me was that “Wow”. Really?

We have come such a long way for those of us as part of this movement for a long time. It also demonstrates that we have such a long way to go. The idea that your friends would judge you for this little flag and that make a presumption that you must be gay because it shows up on your timeline says a lot about the folks you may be choosing to surround yourself with.

If they make fun of you and call you names – I’ll admit – that must be terrible. I guess I would have no idea what that’s like.

The idea that they would question your masculinity or demean you in any way because your timeline looks different than theirs, and your timeline doesn’t conform to what they think a timeline should look like or how you should act. That too must be heartbreaking and you must feel a little less than. I wouldn’t know.

Here’s a suggestion. Before you accuse people of what you interpret or believe their intentions to be, why don’t you ask them? “What did you mean when you placed the little rainbow flag on my post?” Give a person an opportunity to say that for some people who celebrate pride is synonymous for happy. And, seeing this post or picture made me happy. Or that you look happy. Or, I wanted to spread happiness.

Then, you’re free to say “how could you?!”

In short, because I am sure I could write substantially more on this – it doesn’t mean that I think you’re gay. And, heaven forbid that folks have a presumption about this terrible conclusion about you. Because – well – that would be just about the worst.

My, how much farther we need to go to continue educating folks within and without the community about symbols, what they mean, the power of self identification and not putting labels on each other. I respect that you’re straight. I respect that you don’t view the rainbow flag the same way I do. I always want to be respectful as my intention is not to inflict harm on another person. I’ve done too much inadvertently in this lifetime. My plan is to not to intentionally do more as I likely have exceeded my lifetime allowance.

Thus, I’ll apologize. Sincerely. I would never want to cause you distress. I’ll remove the flag. And, to make extra sure that I don’t inadvertently harm you again, I’ll likely remove you as a friend on Facebook. It’s not meant as retaliatory measure. I’m not trying to smite you for being different from me. I’m not hurt that you brought it up if it was bothering you. But with the limited amount of time that I (and all of us really) have on earth, I’m choosing to surround myself with folks with people who don’t get pushed out of shape, or misinterpret so quickly what was intended to be an act of kindness in acknowledging your happy post or picture.

So if you see me on the street, don’t presume, make quick judgements, pass over broad interpretations to my actions.  Just ask, and I’ll be happy to tell you – without harshness, without vile and in the kindest way I know how – – I am unfriending you because I wouldn’t want my gay timeline or inadvertent use of a symbol to offend you. Really.

Or you can just conclude it’s because I thought you were gay. And, you’re not. That may bring you comfort somehow.