We had a wonderful weekend. Our friend Eric had his family visiting from West Virginia so we had a pool party at Janis’ Dog House. There was swimming and Wii. We played Rock Band and it was great fun, including a fantastic rendition of Roxanne by Wishbone. Awesome.

Saturday was the Queer Idol show fund raiser. I sang with Eric accompanying on the piano. He was awesome! I, on the other hand, went completely blank in the bright lights. The spotlight was so blinding that I forgot what I was going to sing. It was really like that Brady Bunch episode where Cindy Brady goes blank looking at the camera light. Yikes.

It was also the weekend where Jon moved in, aka: Selena Medina our friend the Latina. We’ve been friends for a little while now so I think this should work out well. The only draw back is that I don’t have a poor picture of him in all of my gallery of photos. I mean – WHO takes a perfect picture everytime? Never one with the eyes closed, or mouth contorted. Wow. Like a freak of nature. I’m determined to get a seriously ugly picture of him. We’ll see if I’m successful or not.

I hope you all are doing well. I’m currently 246 from a start weight of 280. So, plugging along! Slowly but surely!

Take care and keep us updated on what’s going on with you!

So pictures from top to bottom:

1. Our friend Felony Conviction aka Jeremy. I prefer to call him Miss Demeanor.

2. Rob and Jon, painting Jon’s room on move in day (August 2, 2008)

3. Jon, trying to catch him spontaneously in an ugly pose. Nope.

4. Princess Ethel Karen, Desha and Linda at Q.I. 2008.

5. Our friends Heidi Ho and Miss Monique at Q.I. 2008.

6. Janis working the camera at Q.I. 2008.

Alright Rob.. stop nagging! …or, the next essay of “This I Believe” I write will be .. “I Believe in the Lethality of Whining”. LOL.

I wrote an essay for NPR’s series of “This I believe”. After several months, still no word.

We were driving in the car the other day listening to a podcast of the NPR program and I mentioned, off-the-cuff, “Oh. I wrote an essay and sent it in sometime ago but haven’t heard from KUT the local NPR affiliate”. He was all.. “what?”

So after Rob read it he insisted I post it on here and even instituted a deadline. So, here it is….

This I Believe. I Believe in Matrimony:

At an alter two years ago I stood surrounded by my friends and family. I resisted this day. Not because I didn’t love the man I was about to give my vow to, not because I had any particular fear, or cold feet about it. It was a decision we made, together, years before based on testimony from those who had ventured down the isle before us – many who found themselves disillusioned by ugly divorces and broken hearts. “Unnecessary”, or some variation, some had called it. And up until the moment I looked around, accompanied by those who had brought me life and through it I couldn’t deny that my non-belief in matrimony was being dispelled.

I arrived at this day, not because I’d had a sudden nuptial-epiphany. It occurred to me in Christmas 2005 that my parents were aging. For years my Mother and family had inquired if we were ever going to get married. “Unnecessary” or some variation of the answer I’d respond. I was delicate – not wanting to appear uncaring for their belief in a tradition that they nearly all had taken part in.

It was encouraging that they held such a high regard for an institution so many of my friends disparaged. But as I watched my Mother standing over a steaming pot of Tamales, as she had for a multitude of Christmas eves and my Father appearing non-phased by the overexcited grand children asking if they could open their gifts – that all of a sudden tradition seemed to be something impermanent. It would require successive generations to carry on these tasks and to reinvest in their importance for them to continue. It was in that moment that I realized if I changed my mind about the “necessity” of matrimony those that I would want most with me on that day, might not be here.

I became emboldened through my melancholy and before I knew the words were coming out of my mouth, I asked my family “What do you think about a wedding?” My sister in law Gina stopped stirring the beans, my Sister Rocki looked up from the table, and my mother, who is a stroke-survivor, did her unsuccessful best to not contort her face before she began to cry.

I recall these memories now that I live in Texas, far from my family in Sacramento.

I remember the lovely April day – rainy on the outside – sunny on the inside. We decided to make it a surprise wedding – another story in itself. But after 16 years, I was fairly assured that Rob wouldn’t decline the proposal.

In the moments before our walk began, I peered down from the balcony at the gathered guests, array of family-favorite wedding cakes and Mariachi musicians and I was assured I was doing the right thing.

And in that moment, when I said “I do”, it was though I was responding to the question, “Do you believe in marriage?” “I do.”

Christopher lives in Austin, Texas with his Husband Rob. They celebrate their wedding Anniversary, April 2nd. They’ve been together since October, 1989.

So we’re recovering from our 4th of July weekend, that was packed with so much fun. We enjoyed spending time with friends and enjoying the fireworks. Our friend David TMT hosted a wonderful rooftop party to watch the fireworks over downtown. I made a 4-layer berry biegnet. It was tasty and tall. Then we celebrated our friend Rob’s birthday at the Romeos restaurant on Barton Springs. It was good food and great fun. Earlier that morning we had taken our aim at trying disc-golf for the first time. We went to Zilker Park to meet with Mike and Jeff and throw the disc around. It was a good time. Then that evening we were back at Zilker Park at the theatre to see Beauty and the Beast. Our friend Leslie was onstage as Lumier the candelabra. What fun that was! We had a dessert picnic and it was a lovely evening. On the weight loss front it hadn’t been going well. I began to refer to my lapband as the hoola-hoop because it was about as big and about as effective at stopping/slowing food into the stomach. Holy jamoly. All that money, time and effort – and nothing. But, that was just me being discouraged and not getting results from the scale as fast as I’d like. I’ve now gone to the Drs. office and had a new saline fill. This time they added some more at my request – and I can already tell the difference, and it’s only been 48 hours. I’m hardly eating but don’t feel like I’m suffering so much. I don’t know if I feel “full” as much as I feel nauseous at the thought of eating. But hey, I’m not starving – and that was what I most feared. I hate feeling deprived and hungry and I haven’t felt either of those things. Let’s see how it goes. Starting weight: 280 – Today: 253.

Mom and Rocki came to Austin last week and we had a great time. The weather was warm and sunny (ok, blazing hot and sunny) but we did get a thunderous shower with Texas-size hail while they were here and that broke up the weather for just an afternoon. Thank goodness it wasn’t that pelting hail that dents cars, that we’ve heard so much about.

We did so much over the weekend they were here it’s really amazing. I told my co-workers when I returned to work and they were stunned that I dragged my poor mother all over the tourist guide when she was here, but it was all fun fun fun.

Last weekend was fun too. We went to the movies to see Mary Poppins. I don’t know that I’ve every really watched the whole movie from beginning to end, so that was fun. The film even broke in the middle of the showing which made us all laugh and remember that’s what it used to be like going to the movies.

This weekend is the 4th of July and it will be my first in Texas. I’m not sure what they do around here for the holiday itself. I’m sure there’s fireworks or something. We’ll be going on Sunday to the Zilker Theatre in the Barton Springs park to see Beauty and the Beast. Our friend Leslie is playing the role of Lumiere and we’re anxious to spend the day with Aunt Bea and celebrate his birthday.

I hope this writing finds you well. I’m doing pretty good. I’m 254 today down from 280 on May 20th. So, let’s see that makes an average of just over 4 lbs a week. So, pretty good. I’m feeling better and although I don’t really “see” any changes yet, folks around me say they do. So, I haven’t had to buy any new clothes yet, we’ll see if that changes soon too.

Here’s a story.. about a stubborn old woman who refused to sell her home worth $120k for even a million dollars. She only wanted to die on the couch that her mother died on, in the home she bought for her in 1955. So, while the rest of the world built up around her, she remained steadfast and in her modest home, and her old blue car.

Here’s the original story, the most recent story can be found by clicking on the title of the blogpost: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/333917_macefield02.html

It’s a wonderful story I came across a few months ago, and now she’s passed away. But, she died exactly as she wanted. In her little home, on the same couch in the same way her mother passed away.

I only really have one source of political news that I trusted.. and that was Tim Russert. I’m so saddened by his passing. From his weekly Meet the Press show where we got to watch him grill politicians and others with questions no one else seemed to be asking, to his daily appearances on the Today show – I always looked to Tim for the “True” perspective of things.

I didn’t really trust anyone else because Tim always seemed to boil it down and provide the big picture in all his assessments. And, he was excited about the process of elections and it made me excited too. I record the Today show, mostly so when I come home rather than watching the current line-up of pathetic newscasters – I could catch up with just a few-minute segment with Tim instead.

This is such a great loss – and really – at this point – I don’t know where I’ll get the straight scoop anymore.

So, I hadn’t updated my blog like I hoped I would because I was feeling pretty poorly right after surgery. But, I’m feeling great now, so no more excuses.

Beginning weight 280, Current weight 257

I went to Austin Surgical Hospital in the morning of my surgery. The folks there were very nice. I went ahead and cut all my hair off so I wouldn’t have to do the dirty hair thing in the hospital – gross.

The surgery itself was good except that those lovely folks could not find my veins for the I.V. Fourteen pokes later and calling in the Anesthesiologist to find the vein and I was out in no time at all. I remember being wheeled into the operating room and even moving over to the table. But, then it was me waking up. It didn’t hurt too bad, I was mostly just tired. I was sore too but mostly feeling nausea from the gas that they use. They fill you with gas to move around inside you, so that gets trapped inside once they close you up. It feels like indigestion but only worse.

After I got home, I was on the couch for a week. I thought I’d bounce right up maybe 2, or at the most three days later. Nope.

The pain medication made me feel like a zombie and I was nauseous and had a fever. It was difficult to hold down even water. I didn’t throw-up once. That’s good because that’s one of the things they warn about as you don’t want your band to slip. Unfortunately I got so dehydrated and potassium deficient I was extremely weak and my legs felt like they were on fire! No – really. On fire.

But once the fever went away and I could eat a smashed banana and have some water, all was better. I wasn’t able to go back to work the second week after all. I was still too sore. My bruising on my stomach didn’t start until the second week and then it was so painful, I could hardly move. I stopped taking the pain medication however because I just felt foggy, not better, because of it.

In fact, I think I really started getting better when I stopped taking that medication.

So, I’m back at work. I’m feeling great. Although I haven’t had my first saline fill. I’m expecting to do that next week – and I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m not looking forward to it, because it means more needles. God, I hate those! But I am anxious to have the fill because my appetite has been growing. And, without the restriction of the band, there’s not much to keep me from eating.

The nurse at the clinic said, “well, until we get your band filled you’ll just have to restrain yourself. Just don’t eat.”

Hello?! If it were that simple – would I have needed the surgery in the first place? Thought not.

I’ll be happy to let you know how I’m progressing but folks have already said they’ve seen progress. I don’t so much see it yet, but my pants do fit just a little looser but I haven’t gone down a size or anything yet. I hope you’re doing well – and I look forward to seeing you soon.

I’m so glad… I took the time prior to the surgery to just spend some time with myself and nature. I was with friends, and so I wasn’t alone. But, what it provided was an opportunity for me to have a moment to reflect on the way I’ve been living with my eating and diet, and how that’s going to change.

I was outside of Nashville, Illinois and it was such a peaceful and serene setting. There was a beautiful lake and I let Priscilla and the Empress talk me into canoing into the middle of the lake. Normally not such a scary thing but I was doing my best to avoid anything that might result in a bruise or bump. I didn’t want anything to come between me and the surgery.

They were very clever though and convinced me to sit in the middle of the canoe and they would paddle at either end.

What I didn’t realize was that my butt would be on the cold metal bottom,

I’d be sitting cross-legged between two metal cross-bars. This resulted in a claustrophobic and penned-in position. My fear was that the canoe would roll and I’d be pinned. It only got worse when the confined position made my legs, feet and ass completely fall asleep! This made me go into a panic and a rocking of the canoe which left us all giggling and me begging to return to shore. It was fun however.

I did pass up horseback riding knowing that with my luck I’d be thrown. So while the others went riding it gave me the perfect opportunity to sit and watch the peaceful lake and beautiful woods.

I can’t really say how things will change. I’ve become so accustomed to eating such large portions I can’t fathom a person can eat such a small amount and not suffer from hunger. But, I’m trusting this process and the doctors and know that if they say it’s so, then it probably is.

Mostly, I enjoyed looking upon this occasion as my “last fat weekend”. So many times I’ve gone on retreats or camping and have felt left out because I didn’t feel comfortable doing the things that my friends were doing. Once, I actually wanted to go horseback riding but was told there was a 250 lb weight limit. It was embarrassing to have to sit on the sidelines while others enjoyed a period on the trails.

Unfortunately, there was nothing on the menu I could eat at this retreat. Quite literally everything was carbs with a side of carbs. LOL. Isn’t that poetic? My last weekend and unable to eat.

Priscilla to the rescue who arranged for some meat and cheese so that I wouldn’t starve. At one point we joked that if I didn’t eat something by the end of the weekend, I wouldn’t need the surgery.

All in all it was a wonderful time to reflect and laugh with friends. I got to spend the weekend with Empress and Dixie – two of my most favorite people in the world – along with Priscilla who was so sweet and treated me like royalty. I sure do love life – and the wonderful people who make up the bulk of it. It was nice to be home though. Monday was my pre-op appointment. My weight: 272lbs.

I look forward to seeing you all soon.

OK. So, it’s probably like an alcoholic who’s going into rehab the next day. I’m all about one last hurrah.

It’s weird though if you think about it. The notion that a person is used to eating a certain amount of food. Maybe not at every sitting, but you know how even you probably get at say, Thanksgiving. It usually involves eating alot. If not to the point where you’re uncomfortable, at least more than you usually do.

So, that’s me.

Eating more than you usually do.
Eating more than I usually do more often than I usually should
Resulting in more poundage than a person should usually carry
Ending in health effects not usually found in a person my age.
Following so far?

But I genuinely love to eat.

Not just because it’s gluttonous, which it can be, but because I like the whole ritual. I like selecting the location and the preparation and anticipation of getting into the car with friends. I like the changed atmosphere of eating at different places. I like the contemplation of the different choices and weighing what the restaurant’s specialty is against my likes and dislikes. Many of my friends know I can never make up my mind in the end, and usually ask the server do you like choice A better, or choice B? Always following the advice of someone who probably has had each dish a hundred times.

I like to take notice of the table setting and how nice things are laid out. I like to be greeted by friendly folks, who seem happy to see me, even if the goal is to solicit the largest tip they can garner from me.

I also like the chat and banter with folks I love while waiting to see the various selections come out of the kitchen and land in front of each of my friends and family. I adore the oohs and ahhs as we see what each other ordered. Maybe I should have ordered that? “Can I have a taste?” Or maybe “I’ll just order that next time.”

And then there’s the meal of course. If it’s good, preferably large portions. Because I like the taste. And I don’t want it to be over quickly. I like the different textures. Rob and my family have gotten used to my odd manner of eating by mixing up all my food on the plate. The end result may look a little scrambled everything – but that’s how I like it.

I like to see how the flavors mix together and yet, how they are separate. I like the different flavors mixing together and yet remaining independent enough for me to discern what I’ve taken a spoonful of. And, I like the texture of meat, and a vegetable and I really like it when there’s a crunch-thing somewhere thrown in there.

Yes. I love to eat.

Of course, this is a curse as much as a blessing. It’s a blessing because through lots and lots of error in my adolescent attempts at cooking (just ask my brothers and sister about the debacles of cinnamon spaghetti or ketchup and chili pepper shepherd pie), I’ve learned over time how to cook. What goes good together – what textures do NOT work together, what colors look most appropriate on a plate and how to create a dish out of what you just have on hand. I can do these things. All because I love food.

The curse is self-evident. There’s no need to go into long detail here. There’s by-products that some know about of course. Sleep apnea, elevated blood pressure, constant fatigue, inability to sit in certain seats, choosing tables over booths at restaurants, walking a much shorter distance than the beautiful scenery deserves, running out of breath after just a few steps of stairs. etc. It really does go on ad infinitum but it culminates in an overall appearance and feeling that leaves me feeling left-out. Not part of society. Not like everyone else.

I’ve had airline stewards stand by as I seat myself on a plane with a warning that if my seat-belt doesn’t fit around me I may need to make other arrangements, such as purchasing an additional seat (if one seat belt doesn’t fit how will two seats side-by-side belts work?), I’ve missed every swimming season since 1996 because I refuse to be seen in a swim-suit which has resulted in a pale freckly skin that hasn’t seen the sun in a decade. And most recently kids pointing and calling me names which brought about all manner of horrible high-school flashback.

No. The time has come to be willing to trade the love of food and eat – rituals and all to become a member of society again. Some people can balance their love of food with a healthy life and waistline. I – it would appear – after years of failed trying – that I am not one of them.

So, while I’ll be able to eat anything I want (well almost anything – no popcorn, carbonated beverages, flour products like tortillas – what? tortillas!?!!) I won’t be eating in the quantities that I’ve become accustomed to. I’m kinda sad about it. But NOT depressed!

I’m too looking forward to the change in my life to be dragged down by what I’ll be missing. I hope you join me in that sentiment.

So on to the pictures. One of my favorite restaurants in Austin is Magnolia Cafe. I’m going to miss breakfast tacos. But, I’d also like to go swimming and ride my bike again.

We had a beautiful weekend. Sure it rained, but the sky was amazing and the rain drops were huge! Also the wind really kicked up and sleeping with the windows open I watched the trees whip around all night and rustle me to sleep.

There’s a funny restaurant here called “Fran’s”. In itself it’s not a funny hamburger restaurant but there’s a very similar restaurant called “Dan’s”. So similar, it’s identical. Identical because they are! Fran and Dan got a divorce and had to split their business. So, half the restaurant’s are Dan’s, and half are Fran’s – otherwise, exactly the same.

Lastly, we went to my favorite restaurant in Texas, so far, on Mother’s day. It’s the Silver K in Johnson City. They have the most amazingly delicious food. Here’s some fantastic chicken they serve there, pecan crusted fried chicken. Yum.

I hope this finds you well. The count down to May 20th has begun. That’s the date of my surgery. Today the scale read 271 which is down from 281 when I started eating an all protein diet in preparation for surgery. It can only get better.